Morning Reflection: The stories we believe in ourselves

The stories we believe in ourselves.

As little children we love stories. We love being read to. We love how in a story, the world makes sense.

As we grow, we tell ourselves stories to explain why the world works in the way it does. In light of the chaos present in the universe, telling stories allows us to create structure, logic and understanding.

But sometimes we tell ourselves stories to explain things we can’t understand. As the child of an emotionally absent father, I created the story that I was such a bad child my father didn’t want to be around me. It was either that, or try to understand a situation for which I had no reference, logic or rationale.

A good friend of mine adopted the story that she was overweight because her mother was pressuring her to lose weight, when in truth it was about the mother’s issues, and nothing to do with my friend. She carried this for many years, and in some aspects still carries it. An untruth, made into a truth, by a desire to be accepted, loved and cherished.

When we accept these stories as a child, they become the filters through which we understand the world. The child who believes they must be perfect will never know the peace of ‘good enough’. The teenager who believes they are different will never know the feeling of being a part of something larger. The adult who believes they are destined to fail will never know the satisfaction of risking and winning, because they will never try.

Unless they un-learn these stories, challenge the narrative, break out of the imaginary chains and soar into the new truth.

That they are enough. They are powerful. They can succeed.

Make sure that every child within your influence hears the right stories. That life is tough for all, but hard work and persistence makes a difference. That we all fail at some time, but we try again. That heartbreak is rarely permanent, and never a reason to stop loving.

And most importantly, that they are loved, cherished, valued and cared for.

They are. You are. We are.

Change their story, change their life.

Begin.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Giving yourself permission to let go.

Giving yourself permission to let go.

Humanity comes with a price – awareness, sentience, choice. Each of us holds that precious balance between what we could do, and what we choose to do. Often we have our own set of rules, that we have adopted from that which we have observed, and that which we have decided for ourselves.

In short, we have a definition of ourselves that dictates who we are, how we behave, and often even how we feel.

But sometimes, these self-rules prevent us from acting in our own self interests, especially when it comes to letting go of old self-beliefs.

When I am coaching with someone, and they use the phrase “I am” followed by a definition, I will often explore with them that definition, so that they may come to a greater knowledge of themselves.

You would be surprised the number of times that we find out that a self definition, especially one that is preventing progress, was created after a painful interaction with a parent, a spouse or a friend. These definitions can create pain, heartache and sadness for many years, even if that definition has no basis in reality.

An example would be the woman who thinks she is overweight, because a well meaning but poorly executing parent tells her that she needs to lose “just a few pounds’. Another example would be a man who was told as a teenager that he would ‘always be a problem’ and has adopted that belief into his soul and so acts accordingly.

Or maybe it’s the parent who is blinded by their expectation of what “should be” and who instead misses out on all that they actually do have with their children.

If, in your self-reflection, you find that you have some of these difficult self definitions, I invite you today to question them, and see if this is something that you can let go.

Letting go does not make you a bad person, nor does it make you ungrateful to a person who may have been trying to help.

It simply means that you are using your sentience, your awareness and your power to choose to determine your own future, and travel down your own pathway in the way that you feel best reflects the truth of your being.

If all you are waiting for is permission to become who you know you really are, then this is your permission slip.

Be kind, know yourself and become.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you balance gratitude

How do you balance gratitude?

Yesterday morning I stepped outside to get the mail. It was a beautiful morning, and although it was cold, the sun shone brightly and the world seemed at peace.

I have read enough history to know that in the history of the entire human race, I am very blessed. To be where I am, at this time, in this place, in my circumstances…a large percentage of humanity that has ever existed would consider me very fortunate, and trade places with me in a moment.

Yet I find that I struggle with gratitude, because there is in my core an ambition growling that nothing I have achieved is even remotely enough. I’m not sure what “enough” would be, but I know I don’t feel that I am even close to being there.

And I realize that I am ungrateful, and I struggle to change.

I seek to find a balance, some internal awareness that can be thankful, and at that moment allow myself to find joy in where I am at, yet still maintain a desire to become more.

I have come so very far from where I started, both in life and in geography. I have, in most aspects, eclipsed the probable outcomes of my birth.

I have been helped along the way, of that there is no question, but I question the level of gratitude I feel regarding that help. I think that, in some way, being grateful for help is linked in my mind to not being enough, that I am ashamed for having needed help, that I was insufficient.

Even writing these words I see the inconstancy behind them, but who ever said that we, as humans, are paragons of consistency? It may be said of us that our constant inconsistency is what separates us from machines.

So today, I ask of you, how do you balance gratitude with ambition? Does gratitude come easily to you, or do you, like me, recognize that you have very far to go in reaching a grateful state of being?

I would welcome your thoughts today. Your wisdom could help my struggle.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

How do you know when it’s time to walk away?

Have you ever had to walk away from someone? Unfortunately, this happens to most of us at some point in our lives. We have the misfortune to find someone who is so toxic to us that there is no middle ground, no way to breach the gulf between us.

No matter how hard we try, there is no explanation that will magically unlock their understanding, and bring into balance the interactions between us.

It may be due to their extreme emotional needs, or a wound to their self image that has never healed, or it may just be that their understanding of how the world works is so fundamentally different from our own that for our emotional self protection we have to disengage and depart.

Often we will feel some measure of guilt for this. That is natural, especially if you are the kind of person who tries very hard to be compassionate to the feelings of others.

But sometimes, you just have to walk away. From the person, from the drama, from the emotional battery that accompanies their presence in your life.

Walking away does not make you a bad person. When you have honestly tried, and there is still no balance that works for you, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Too often, in an attempt to try to heal a previous relationship, we persist in a current one far too long, hoping at a deep subconscious level that we can somehow put right what once went wrong.

When the time comes, the kindest thing you can do is just walk away. For you, for them, a clean break is often the best. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of what you hoped this could be, but don’t spend your time dwelling on the past.

You only have a finite time here, so use the time that you have in the best way possible.

Be kind to yourself, and find the balance that allows you to be kind to others.

And you can find peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What would you do after you had all the money in the world?

What would you do after you had all the money in the world?

A very wise man once asked me this question. He said that the key to happiness was deciding what you really wanted to do, and doing that.

He taught me a question that I have asked many other people since first learning of it.

Imagine you had enough money to do whatever you wanted. You had traveled to everywhere you wanted to go, and purchased everything you wanted, and there was still time left over in your life.

What would you spend your time on?

That is your passion, your mission, and your soul.

For me, I realized that helping people was the thing that brings me most joy. Were it possible, I would spend a good portion of each day coaching with people, helping them through their problems, their fears, their heartaches and their lives. It’s what brings me the most joy and happiness, and it’s when my soul feels most alive.

For you the answer is probably different, and that’s ok. The purpose of life is to find your purpose, and then live your life so that you can live your purpose as completely, honestly, truthfully and compassionately as you can.

You have today, but no guarantee of tomorrow.

Purpose. Find it, live it, love it.

Go.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbmusings

Morning Reflection: What do you do when you are out of balance?

What do you do when you are out of balance?

This week has been tough for me, in that I have had so many competing concerns that I don’t really feel like I’ve given proper attention to anything, except writing my reflections.

But even that has been challenging, as I have struggled to find the right words, sometimes even the right topics for each day. I have probably spent more time staring at the screen in frustration than actually writing, and more time writing reflections that I have eventually erased than I have working on the ones that have made it onto the page.

As I reflect on the truth of my life right now, I find that I am out of balance. My meditation practice this week has been neglected, my personal development has been less focused, and my spiritual life has been given less priority than it should.

In short, I have spent too much time on meeting demands instead of nourishing my dreams, and far too much time focused on my fears, instead of strengthening my foundation.

I constantly struggle with putting my needs before the needs of others. Do you do this?

Partly this is out of a desire to serve, to make a difference. Partly this is out of fear that if I stop giving to others, I will lose those connections as I will no longer be of any worth to them.

But mostly, it is because somewhere in my childhood I generated the belief that I am not important, and that I only have worth when giving to others.

And that belief leads to a loss of balance.

While the needs of others are important, I have to realize that I too am worthy of my compassion, my concern and my caring.

Caring for others, out of a misguided belief that I have little to no worth, hinders my ability to enlarge my soul and progress into the person I am trying to become.

So I struggle everyday to find the right balance, but I know that I must get back to my foundational behaviors if I am to have a stable platform on which to progress.

How do you balance yourself when you are not in alignment?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Do you struggle being kind to yourself?

Over the years of my journey into self awareness, I think I have slowly become kinder to others. I have always tried to treat other people well regardless of how I feel about them, but deep in my heart there was often judgment instead of compassion, and coldness where there could have been warmth.

But the further I have walked into my journey of awareness, the greater a depth of compassion I have found for people. I can see, or at least I think I can see, why they sometimes behave in ways that are not their best selves.

Like someone who cannot keep a secret, who is in actuality lonely and looking for ways to connect; or a person who only contacts me when they need something but who is really suffering from a deep well of personal insignificance; or another person who continually grasps at money even though they have sufficient for their needs but who is actually seeking to fill a deep personal wound of feeling less than everyone else.

As I see their patterns, and I understand how their wounds precipitate their actions, I find that I am moved by compassion to have less frustration at their behaviors, and instead a greater patience and willingness to forgive.

This is still hard for me, but I can say with honesty that I am getting better at being kinder to other people.

Yet I still struggle immensely with self kindness, and self compassion. Behaviors I can forgive in others are ones that I condemn myself for. The peace which I am able to help others achieve seems much harder to find for myself.

In short, I am my harshest critic, and my greatest source of condemnation.

But I have begun to find ways through this.

As I examine my own self stories, I have found ways to interject compassionate self talk into my judgments, and realize some small measure of change in the way that I see myself.

While there is still frustration, there is sometimes compassion; while there is still anger, sometimes there is love; while there is still a fervent desire to move forward to achieve what I believe I am capable of, there is occasionally a willingness to allow myself to rest.

Ultimately, peace is found through self acceptance, self compassion, and self love. If you are struggling with this, please don’t give up.

You are worth far more than you feel about yourself, and I truly believe that you have a part to play in our ongoing progression.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the gift of compassion.

You are worth it.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions

My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions.

It’s been 30 years since I began my journey into self awareness and understanding. At age 17, I began to be aware that I was acting in ways that were not in my best interests.

While I was engaged in these behaviors, there was always a voice in the back of my head, asking me why I was acting in such a way. I have spent years trying to understand my reasons for the choices that I make, both good (choices that empower me) and bad (choices that disempower me).

I think after 30 years I have learned some things. At this time in my life, I less frequently ‘act’ in a way that is not ‘good’, but I find that sometimes I ‘fail to act’ in a way that could be good for me.

When this occurs, I try to discover the reasons behind my inaction, so that I might find a pathway forwards into ‘good’ actions. This type of self reflection is slow, because often times the answers are shrouded in pain/misunderstandings that may be obvious to others, but are not so obvious to me.

I have found that, for myself, the greatest leaps in self understanding come when I find the time and courage to question my reactions.

I consider ‘actions’ to be emotions or behaviors that are the result of a thoughtful, careful examination of possible choices and outcomes, followed by a decision to balance my considered response within my value structure.

‘Reactions’, on the other hand, are the result of an immediate emotional response that is not modulated or controlled, nor necessarily with reference to any decision about the possible outcomes.

Reactions are when I am ‘feeling not thinking’.

Reactions are guideposts to the emotions that drive me. Reactions are not necessarily bad. Some reactions are good, some are not so good.

When I find myself reacting in a way that is not in keeping with my highest aspirations, I find that a thoughtful, careful and honest evaluation of the emotions behind the reaction can lead me to a greater understanding—a deeper awareness. This awareness gives direction to my journey of self discovery, but is it not an easy pathway to walk.

But there is great value in learning to understand myself. How else can I find peace, and help others find peace, if I am not willing to work through my own confusions and misunderstanding?

Peace is the emotion we feel when all other emotions are balanced and at rest.

Peace is found in the absence of negative reactions.

What are some of your reactions?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: We are all searching for our own peace

We are all searching for our own peace.

It is often said that we have to be kind, because everyone is fighting their own battle. While I agree that each battle is different, I have come to believe that all of us are, in the end, searching for the same thing.

Peace. Stillness. That feeling when you can rest, with a sense of comfort that things are in balance, and that you are on your path. Situations may not be perfect, and relationships may have their problems, but in that moment, the heart feels at one with the eternities, and a quiet comfort distills into the soul.

Recently, as I work with people trying to break through their own barriers into a greater level of peace, I have come to realize that for each of us, the equation that brings us peace is different. Just as we all have our own balance of the 6 human needs, we all have our own way of meeting and interpreting those needs.

I have been led to an understanding as to why humility is of paramount importance. How many of us can say as we enter into a discussion, a relationship or an encounter, that we take nothing of our own ego into the communication? Sometimes it is difficult to allow the other person’s definition of peace to work for them. Left unchecked, I find myself subconsciously trying to influence their desires with my own recipe for peace, and vice versa. I try to guard against this constantly.

What greater respect can we give another human being than to allow them the freedom to discover their own truth for balance in the universe? What greater disservice can we give them than to attempt, even with the best of intentions, to influence them to agree with us, and to demand of the universe the things which make us happy, but not necessarily them?

Consciousness is singular, and so are the ingredients for balance in the soul. The greatest gift I can give you, is to allow you to find your own path, your own truth, your own peace.

I strive to give that gift every day.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: My failure is not my finish

My failure is not my finish.

How do you know when you’ve actually failed? Life is an exam where every day is a new sheet of paper, where the rules are mostly in your head, and where failure is often an arbitrary standard rather than a specific demarcation in your destiny.

Failure, it seems, is often more about how we decide to interpret our feelings against a backdrop of beliefs and a deluge of decisions. Too often we often shape these events into an outcome fitting our fears rather than a fire fueling our faith.

Many of life’s successes were built on the back of supposed failures. Because someone decided that a supposed failure was “not the end”, we have the post-it note. Because Winston Churchill would not accept failure, the British nation was able to rise from the ashes of Dunkirk and survive and thrive. Because he determined that his election defeat did not define him, Jimmy Carter went on from his loss to become better known as a giving, caring and loving human being.

Whatever you believe your supposed failures are, today is another chance to try. While you can’t rewrite the past, you still get to determine, in some way, how you live the rest of your future.

Failure, if indeed it is failure, is not final. It’s merely another stepping stone, a chance to learn, a time for growth.

Fail your way to success.

And you can find peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc