Morning Reflection: You have to face, and feel, your feelings

You have to face, and feel, your feelings.

We all have feelings we like to feel. Feelings like joy, happiness, excitement, love and comfort to name just a few. Those are the emotions that make life worth living.

But we also have to deal with the other type of emotions, like loss, loneliness, frustration, pain and shame. Those are the emotions that hurt, and make us wish for a change in how we feel.

How do you avoid your negative feelings?

For me, for a long time, it was food. That’s how I ended up morbidly obese, and closer to death than I want to admit. But that wasn’t my only ‘coping mechanism’. I would also become angry at myself, preferring the pain of self loathing rather than the pain of someone else being angry or disappointed in me.

Last night, I had an occasion to face a negative feeling, rather than try to run from it, or busy myself in something else to forget it. The negative feeling was sadness, after I failed to follow through on something that someone very dear to me asked of me. It wasn’t something earth shattering, but it made that person feel unappreciated.

But this time, rather than get angry with myself, or get quiet and withdraw, I made the conscious decision to allow the feeling to exist, and feel how it felt. No avoidance, no rationalization, nothing to try to ameliorate the feeling of acknowledging that I let someone down.

And it didn’t feel good at all. But I lived.

Growth comes when we stop avoiding our feelings, and learn from them.

Growth comes when we accept that things might hurt for a while, but we don’t try to dull that pain with other measures.

Growth comes when we take a deep breath, and allow the truth of who we are to wash over us, and bathe us in the emotions that can change us.

Like the small flower that struggles to pierce the earth to find the sunlight, or the child who struggles to walk despite falling again and again, we too can struggle through and learn from our painful emotions if we will but face them, feel them and find the strength to change through them.

Running from your emotions never solves the problem.

The only way out is through.

Go through it. You can do this.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions

My ‘truths’ are found in my reactions.

It’s been 30 years since I began my journey into self awareness and understanding. At age 17, I began to be aware that I was acting in ways that were not in my best interests.

While I was engaged in these behaviors, there was always a voice in the back of my head, asking me why I was acting in such a way. I have spent years trying to understand my reasons for the choices that I make, both good (choices that empower me) and bad (choices that disempower me).

I think after 30 years I have learned some things. At this time in my life, I less frequently ‘act’ in a way that is not ‘good’, but I find that sometimes I ‘fail to act’ in a way that could be good for me.

When this occurs, I try to discover the reasons behind my inaction, so that I might find a pathway forwards into ‘good’ actions. This type of self reflection is slow, because often times the answers are shrouded in pain/misunderstandings that may be obvious to others, but are not so obvious to me.

I have found that, for myself, the greatest leaps in self understanding come when I find the time and courage to question my reactions.

I consider ‘actions’ to be emotions or behaviors that are the result of a thoughtful, careful examination of possible choices and outcomes, followed by a decision to balance my considered response within my value structure.

‘Reactions’, on the other hand, are the result of an immediate emotional response that is not modulated or controlled, nor necessarily with reference to any decision about the possible outcomes.

Reactions are when I am ‘feeling not thinking’.

Reactions are guideposts to the emotions that drive me. Reactions are not necessarily bad. Some reactions are good, some are not so good.

When I find myself reacting in a way that is not in keeping with my highest aspirations, I find that a thoughtful, careful and honest evaluation of the emotions behind the reaction can lead me to a greater understanding—a deeper awareness. This awareness gives direction to my journey of self discovery, but is it not an easy pathway to walk.

But there is great value in learning to understand myself. How else can I find peace, and help others find peace, if I am not willing to work through my own confusions and misunderstanding?

Peace is the emotion we feel when all other emotions are balanced and at rest.

Peace is found in the absence of negative reactions.

What are some of your reactions?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc