Morning Reflection: The stories we believe in ourselves

The stories we believe in ourselves.

As little children we love stories. We love being read to. We love how in a story, the world makes sense.

As we grow, we tell ourselves stories to explain why the world works in the way it does. In light of the chaos present in the universe, telling stories allows us to create structure, logic and understanding.

But sometimes we tell ourselves stories to explain things we can’t understand. As the child of an emotionally absent father, I created the story that I was such a bad child my father didn’t want to be around me. It was either that, or try to understand a situation for which I had no reference, logic or rationale.

A good friend of mine adopted the story that she was overweight because her mother was pressuring her to lose weight, when in truth it was about the mother’s issues, and nothing to do with my friend. She carried this for many years, and in some aspects still carries it. An untruth, made into a truth, by a desire to be accepted, loved and cherished.

When we accept these stories as a child, they become the filters through which we understand the world. The child who believes they must be perfect will never know the peace of ‘good enough’. The teenager who believes they are different will never know the feeling of being a part of something larger. The adult who believes they are destined to fail will never know the satisfaction of risking and winning, because they will never try.

Unless they un-learn these stories, challenge the narrative, break out of the imaginary chains and soar into the new truth.

That they are enough. They are powerful. They can succeed.

Make sure that every child within your influence hears the right stories. That life is tough for all, but hard work and persistence makes a difference. That we all fail at some time, but we try again. That heartbreak is rarely permanent, and never a reason to stop loving.

And most importantly, that they are loved, cherished, valued and cared for.

They are. You are. We are.

Change their story, change their life.

Begin.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: What does your heart tell you?

What does your heart tell you?

The quality of our life resides in the quality of our choices. When I look back at my life, I find that I have chosen well in some things, and in others, I have chosen in a way that did not support my highest aspirations.

A common thread throughout my poorer choices has been an element of fear. When fear distorts my decisions, I find myself choosing the path that leads to less joy, happiness and satisfaction.

But in trying to understand myself, I have come to a realization that the most serious choices are usually the ones that start with what to think. It has taken me many years to accept the truth that no matter the situation, I have a choice in what to think about it.

One of the truths I have tried to incorporate into my life is that ‘it’s never the event, it’s the meaning we give to it’. In any situation, we actually have a choice as to how we interpret those events.

When my eldest son was born, we discovered a few hours after his birth that he would require open heart surgery to correct a congenital defect that otherwise could kill him.

At the time, I was devastated. A million thoughts went through my head, and honestly, a lot of those were along the lines of “why me, why us, why this”. Those ‘feelings’ were raw emotion expressed out of negative thoughts left unchecked in my heart, and did not serve me.

I spent years, many years, feeling like we had been poorly treated by the universe, and this feeling colored so many of my choices and understandings.

Now, some two decades later, I have reached an understanding that really, we were very lucky. His condition, while serious, was uncomplicated, and he has thrived and is doing very well.

Even though I would rather not have gone through the circumstances of his birth, I can choose to feel gratitude for the positives aspects of his condition, for the wonderful service of the medical teams who kept him alive and made him well, and for the support of family, friends and even strangers who lifted us when we were down, and carried us when we could not carry ourselves.

The hardest truth is that even my feelings are a choice, unless I decide to give up my ability to choose, and just “follow my heart”.

When I started this reflection with “What does your heart tell you”, most people probably thought this was going to be a post about following your heart, but it’s not. Your ‘heart’ is really the sum of all of your needs, wants, desires and dreams, but it’s also the repository for all of your fears, unmet needs, traumas and tears.

Unless you have walked though the deeper truths of your soul, following your heart is often a continuation of the pain and misunderstandings of yesterday, left unchecked and unrestrained so that those feelings can affect and alter your todays and tomorrows.

Follow your heart, but only when you are sure that your heart is full of truth, not error; love not hate; gratitude not selfishness; kindness not chaos.

Balance your heart, and you will live with a greater sense of gratitude and wonder.

And you can know peace.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

Morning Reflection: The Beliefs of a Child

The beliefs of a child.

As I examine my thoughts, I find that the deepest, darkest and most restrictive self beliefs that I hold were formed in my early childhood years. Then, like scripture of the soul, they are followed without a sincere, objective evaluation.

I find it requires great stillness to become aware of these thoughts and beliefs. Often they are found in unnecessarily intense responses to a situation that did not deserve such.

Since most of these deep beliefs are formed in childhood, I have come to realize that the vulnerability of being a child creates an immense interpretive distortion in the experiences that shape our beliefs.

Our interpretation of any event is the process by which we create meaning, and meaning thereby creates an emotion. As a child, our vulnerability and immaturity can exaggerate a potentially painful occurrence into a life threatening perspective.

As an example, strong disapproval from a dominating parent can be interpreted as a threat of abandonment, which is then perceived as a life threatening event to be avoided at all costs. Or maybe a child who grows up seeing his or her parents dreadfully unhappy will avoid responsibility usually associated with maturity in a desperate attempt to avoid the pain which he or she perceives as being an outcome of being self sufficient.

These beliefs become a part of us. Never questioned, every active in our minds.

Over time, we perceive more and more experiences through this perspective, and we never stop to realize that the very lens through which we are viewing the world is distorted, deformed and destructive.

This often creates a psychologically debilitating pattern of painful perspectives and subsequent behaviors that limit where there are no boundaries, and restrain when there could be rejoicing.

Since these beliefs are usually formed in the presence of a perspective-magnified pain, I find myself reluctant to shine a light into my own darkness.

Only in the still calmness of peace can I truly stare into the center of my soul, and find a way through the darkness into the clarity of a newly awakened perspective.

Facing the darkness is often the only way to find the light.

So I search onwards, finding the truths of my soul.

But they are…elusive.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Feeling Powerless

You only fear that over which you have no power.

My oldest son nearly died on his very first day of life. A few hours after I was blessed to help deliver him, a congenital heart defect was trying to kill him.

And there was nothing I could do.

I realized today that I have never overcome that feeling of being powerless.

To this day, I am still haunted by the realization that I could do nothing to help my son. I was at the mercy of others, dependent on someone else to do that which I could not.

I was nearly moved to tears today at the realization that what I fear most is being powerless. Unable to stand against that which assails me, unable to move in the face of an onslaught.

Powerlessness is my fear, the ghost which haunts my peace and troubles my soul in the quiet moments.

Yet in the end, we all face things against which we have no power. It is one of the similarities of the human condition, a reality that should unite us, even though often our fear will divide us.

For some it’s change, for some it’s the loss of something, for others, it’s the knowledge of their own weakness. Although our situations may differ, our experiences of feeling powerless are essentially the same.

In that moment, when we are faced with something we fear, it is important that we don’t stand alone. For while our souls may be separate, our fears and troubles can be a source of unity, strength, courage and conviction.

My hope is that I will be better at reaching out, lifting and helping others. As I struggle with my purpose, I desire to help others. Not for some eternal reward, and not for the praise of men, but simply because I desire to reduce the suffering that is present in the human condition.

Life is often cruel, but we must not be.

From the truth of the man I aspire to be… “Never cruel nor cowardly. Never give up, never give in”.

Kindness.

Always.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: The Caustic Effects of Childhood Criticism

As I continue to deconstruct my demons, I have become more aware of my critical self talk. Often this is subconscious, barely noticed, at the periphery of awareness. Only by listening carefully and analyzing constantly have I been able to come to understand the deeper layers of my thoughts.

There is a saying that essentially says “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”. Learning to listen objectively to my inner voice has enabled me to change behaviors that have been lifelong habits, but also question where these voices came from. I have become aware that many of these inner voices are in fact a conglomeration of various criticisms that were leveled at me as a child.

Children are unable to objectively reason through caustic, unnecessary criticism and see into the truth of a flawed, human parent trying their best but failing at that time. Children internalize cruelty at an emotional level, and its caustic effects can last a lifetime.

If we really want to change the world, we need to start with the hearts of our children, and this starts by treating them better. If we sow kindness, we can reap compassion; if we sow patience, we can reap wisdom; and if we sow values, we will eventually reap nobility of the soul.

The way we treat our children is the vibration we give to the world.

And that is a humbling responsibility.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc