Morning Reflection: Question without judgment, question for progress.

Question without judgment, question for progress.

As I continue this journey into my heart, mind and soul, I realize that although I become more aware of my thoughts by questioning, even the questions I ask myself are often limiting.

These questions are often imbued with judgment, which in turn restricts my answers, and continues to create barriers to even the process of self examination.

In the beginning my questions were loaded with self loathing, in such terms as “why am I so stupid’, or my all time favorite ‘why does God hate me so much that he keeps doing this to me”. The former victimizes myself, and the latter takes solace in the palace of victimhood, wherein I cannot be expected to take any action because after all, someone else is to blame (anyone, as long as it was not me).

Eventually, my questions became more mature, and I came to an initial level of acceptance of who I was. My questions reflected this progression, by changing to a questions of why. “Why do I act this way?” or “Why do I have a pattern of this behavior?” Over time, as I became more adept at reading myself, I began to find answers, which inevitably led to more questions. From the wisdom of the Bene Gesserit (from the book ‘Dune’ by Frank Herbert) we ultimately learn that it is how we navigate between our questions that determines our eventual destiny. Still, some of those questions are loaded with judgment, which in turns increases my burdens and slows my progression.

But now I feel that my questions are beginning to shift again. Now, along with the introspective Why, which still has so much value, I find myself starting to ask a new question, a question of process…How?

How do I make a difference in the world? How can I be a better servant? How can I lift others and use the talents and knowledge with which I have been entrusted?

For it is not sufficient to gain knowledge; I must apply that knowledge to gain wisdom.

How is process, how is growth. How forces me out of my comfort zone, where I have lived far too many years, and bids me take my place in the ever evolving future of possibility.

How makes me accept who I am, and assume the responsibility of who I can become.

How is powerful, how is scary.

How am I doing?

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: The Error in My Expectations

As I ponder my relationship with others around me, I realize that I tend to have expectations of people that are often not met. This is often a cause of sadness for me, and in going deeper I am reaching the conclusion that my expectations are often irrational, self serving and based solely on my unfulfilled needs.

Worst of all, my expectations are often a form of transactional living, where I am placing a requirement on someone else to do something or act in a way which they have not implicitly agreed, oftentimes which they don’t even know about it.

Expecting others to act a certain way in order to fill the gaps in my soul in effect reduces them in my mind to an object, someone who needs to act in a certain way in order for me to feel a certain thing. This in turn places a burden upon them, which they do not deserve.

I realize that in living this way, I am not honoring them as a person who has their own divine spark, their own consciousness, and the freedom to live as they want. Expecting someone to provide support for one of my essential human needs, without them having agreed to do so, is to devalue the relationship that I could have with them.

Perhaps in all of my judging, I can find a space in my soul to truly examine why I have these expectations. If I am truly trying to serve someone else, and give without expecting, then I should be grateful for their presence in my life however they choose to participate in my ongoing experience.

Expectations are antithetical to gratitude. Expectations destroy my peace in what is, forever reaching for that which is not and may never be.

If I am honest with myself, my expectation for them is often a manifestation of a need that I have not yet balanced within my soul. My responsibility is to do that in a way that respects others, not reduces them.

And that is not easy.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120

Morning Reflection: Who do you blame?

Who do you blame?

As I journey through the paradox of my heart, mind and soul I encounter both helpful and harmful behaviors, those which uplift and those which demean.

Recently I have become aware of my tendency to want to assign blame and I have realized that often times my compassion is found wanting as I turn again and again to reactive blaming.

The truth is that blame is rarely a mature response to a situation. Blame does not soften the heart or console with compassion the accused, but instead it relieves us of our own responsibility and allows us to escape ownership.

Mostly, blame is just another way to satisfy my ego. If it’s somebody else’s fault, then I am protecting myself. Too often I find myself wrapping my soul in the judgment of others to escape an assessment of myself.

The biggest problem with blame is that it stops you looking beyond where the blame stops. Who is to blame for all of the troubles in my life? Is it my father, is it his father, is it Hitler who started a war which took my grandfather away from my father and destroyed their relationship, leaving my father emotionally unable to have a relationship with me. Where does the blame end? Where does the fault begin? This is a rabbit hole I have wasted far too much time going down, because there is no end, and no benefit to it.

I feel that in order to rid myself of blaming others, I must act with greater compassion for myself as well as others. Only when I extend compassion to myself will I end my addiction of self judgment and self protection, and in doing so find compassion for others.

Blame is not empowering emotion. It stifles the soul, hardens the heart and enlarges the ego. If blame is left unchecked, compassion finds no place to grow in our heart and we lose the chance to be connected to ourselves and to others.

So in order to stop blaming, and find compassion for others, I have to extend compassion to myself.

And that is a much more difficult proposition than I realized.

Dr. Alan Barnes

@losingtowin120