Morning Reflection: How do you balance gratitude

How do you balance gratitude?

Yesterday morning I stepped outside to get the mail. It was a beautiful morning, and although it was cold, the sun shone brightly and the world seemed at peace.

I have read enough history to know that in the history of the entire human race, I am very blessed. To be where I am, at this time, in this place, in my circumstances…a large percentage of humanity that has ever existed would consider me very fortunate, and trade places with me in a moment.

Yet I find that I struggle with gratitude, because there is in my core an ambition growling that nothing I have achieved is even remotely enough. I’m not sure what “enough” would be, but I know I don’t feel that I am even close to being there.

And I realize that I am ungrateful, and I struggle to change.

I seek to find a balance, some internal awareness that can be thankful, and at that moment allow myself to find joy in where I am at, yet still maintain a desire to become more.

I have come so very far from where I started, both in life and in geography. I have, in most aspects, eclipsed the probable outcomes of my birth.

I have been helped along the way, of that there is no question, but I question the level of gratitude I feel regarding that help. I think that, in some way, being grateful for help is linked in my mind to not being enough, that I am ashamed for having needed help, that I was insufficient.

Even writing these words I see the inconstancy behind them, but who ever said that we, as humans, are paragons of consistency? It may be said of us that our constant inconsistency is what separates us from machines.

So today, I ask of you, how do you balance gratitude with ambition? Does gratitude come easily to you, or do you, like me, recognize that you have very far to go in reaching a grateful state of being?

I would welcome your thoughts today. Your wisdom could help my struggle.

-- Dr. Alan Barnes

@maddrbdc

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.

In one of my favorite movies, Sylvester Stallone reprises his iconic role as Rocky Balboa. During one of the film’s most memorable scenes he confronts his son, who has allowed living in the “shadow” of Rocky to become an excuse for why he is not succeeding in the way that he wants. Rocky launches into an iconic speech explaining that the world can be tough, but “it’s not about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forwards”.

My weight loss journey has been a lot like that. In fact, life seemed to get harder the longer I continued to lose weight. Even now, I’ve been consistently losing weight for almost a year and I am still having “tough days” which push me and try me. There are days when I want to fall back into old patterns of eating for comfort, and it would be so easy.

So why haven’t I given in and had a “cheat meal”? After 11 months, I can honestly say I have not had a single meal where I have broken down and eaten something outside of my profile for eating. People have asked how I have accomplished that. It comes down to one simple statement:

It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to blow an 11-month track record for something that might taste good at the moment but that will leave a sour aftertaste long after it’s gone. It’s not worth it to put a question in my head as to my willpower. It’s not worth it because after eating something with high carbohydrates I will probably feel bloated, stupid and annoyed at myself.

The truth is, even when it looks like it, it wouldn’t be worth it.

For me, my weight loss is not just about losing weight or “getting into shape”. My weight loss is linked to much more. My weight loss is linked to transforming my life, becoming who I should be, transforming not just my waistline but my worldview and experiencing life at a whole new level.

When I keep that in mind, then the rest of it fades away. So far I have not forsaken when I want the long term for what looks good in the short term. I have my eye focused on my long-term goals. Does that mean I don’t have tough days? Absolutely not. As I write this, today has been one of those days where it seems that if it can go wrong, it’s going to try to.

But as Rocky reminds me, it’s not how hard I can get, it’s how hard I can get hit.

Sometimes you can’t punch back at life in the way you want to. All you can do is double down your efforts and continue to do what you know will work, even when it takes time, when what you really want is to be able to strike back at the universe and all its unfairness. Truth is, that gets you nowhere. Repaying frustration with anger would wound you twice. You have to move beyond, focus on who you can help and who you can serve, and then just double down and go for it.

The universe doesn’t play fair. Mother nature plays dirty, and sometimes Murphy just doesn’t know when to quit.

But if you keep your eye on the prize, and learn to keep punching even after you have been hit harder than you can ever imagine, eventually you’ll arrive at where you want to be.

Stall Warning

Source.

When you fly a plane, if you try to climb too fast or you change your angle of attack (how aggressively the wing attacks the air) too suddenly, you create a stall. Depending upon your plane, you will get a nasty buzzing noise or the computer freaks out and starts yelling at you.

Unfortunately, stalls are also a part of weight loss, but they don’t come with a warning. They can happen after you try something specifically stupid, like pushing yourself too hard to hit a target. Possibly someone you know (or are reading about) has done this recently. Possibly someone who looks a lot like me.

Yes, I was stupid. In my race to make 230 lbs on January 1 (which I managed, which got me hundred pounds weight loss in eight months) I kind of pushed it a little hard. Unfortunately, the human body doesn’t play fair, and doesn’t give mulligans.

So I have spent the last two weeks at around 230 pounds. It’s frustrating to get on the scale and see that it really hasn’t moved, but I also realize that this is my body paying me back. I pushed hard for something, and I got it, but there is a cost with pushing that hard.

So I’m trying to be good, trying to stay hydrated and making sure I eat enough. It’s funny, in my ninth month of doing this, I am struggling to eat enough calories each day. Other than occasional psychological cravings for certain foods (Golden Double Stuf Oreos are particular repeat offender) I am really not interested in eating.

Part of that may be stress. Some of you may know, some of you may not, but I am no longer a part of the team at Price Chiropractic Center. I now have my own small practice which I am looking to expand. There is a lot of stress that comes with that, a lot of fear and a lot of action in spite of fear. Unfortunately, stress releases a lovely little hormone in our bodies called cortisol, and cortisol causes you to gain weight, or at least makes it very difficult to lose it.

So I realize between my shenanigans up to January 1, and the added stress load since December 30, weight loss for me right now is going to be a little bit difficult.

This is when the WHY is so important. Anyone who has heard me speak on weight loss will tell you that I have a firm belief that you need a WHY, as well as a HOW.

Whenever people ask me about weight loss, they invariably ask me how I did it. I always tell than that asking HOW is the wrong question. The most important question is WHY did I do it.

If you’re not motivated to lose weight, it doesn’t matter how you could lose weight, because you are not going to. You have to be motivated, you have to want it, and then you have to build that want, turning it into a desire, into a hunger, into a determination, and finally into an obsession.

You don’t lose 100 pounds of weight without getting determined. There have been many times in the last 8 ½ months where I could have failed. I haven’t. I have stayed on this new way of eating, even to the frustration of friends and family. And I stay on that because I have a very strong WHY.

So even in this stall, which is frustrating and probably a result of my going for it, I’m staying focused and determined.

Hopefully I’ll break through this stall soon, but if it lasts a while, so be it.

Next goal is 200. Hoping to be there by May 1.

An unexpected miracle…

I wrote last week about my unwanted Christmas present, when the scale showed me that I had gained weight. I was pretty sure it was water weight – but it still wasn’t what I was looking for.

When I started losing weight, I wanted to be at 250 lbs by Christmas. At the time, it seemed like a crazy goal that I could never reach.

Until I got there way earlier.

Then it was 240 by Christmas, but I achieved that early as well.

So then I wanted the big one – 100 lbs in 8 months.

When I started this journey on May 2, I weighed 330 lbs. To lose 100 lbs in 8 months, I would need to weigh 230 lbs by January 1, 2017.

It seemed impossible, but then it started to look like I could make it…and I got really hopeful..

Until last weekend. The scale showed me the bad news on Christmas day – there seemed to be no way I could reach my goal.

But I didn’t give up – I kept going, and going, and going. All through Christmas Day. Through a very stressful week at work, and through a weekend that was changing my life.

And then came the scale on Sunday. The moment of truth.

I knew there was still a chance that I could make it. When you are losing weight like I have done, there are things we call “stalls and whooshes”. A stall is when your body refuses to lose weight, hanging on as hard as it can to the weight…until it finally lets go.

And let go it did.

I stood on the scale, watching and waiting…would it work, had I made it, was I going to be rewarded for all my hard work and sacrifice...

Yes. Yes I was.

When I looked at the number I could see a 2, then a 3, and finally a 0.

I had done it.

100 lbs lost in 8 months – I weighed 230 lbs.

I can’t really tell you how it felt. It’s too hard to put into words. For just a moment, I felt at peace. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. For one moment, the clouds had parted, and the sun shone through. I felt like I had achieved something unexpected – something magical.

Part of me wanted to cry, part of me wanted to shout, but the rest of me was at peace.

I realize weighing 230 lbs doesn’t make everything better. I am still facing huge challenges in my life as I try to move in the direction of my dreams. There are many hurdles to overcome, there is much work to be done.

Next up – Onederland. That’s the name we who have lost huge amounts of weight call that moment when the scale no longer starts with a 2, but instead begins with a 1.

My goal right now – to try and achieve that by May 1, 2017.

130 lbs in a year – 140 down from my highest.

That’s something that will require a lot of effort and a continued desire to improve.

I have come a long way, but there is still so far to go.

To all of you who have helped, supported and uplifted me – thank you. This is your victory too.

100 lbs – 8 months.

I never thought I could do it…

So what else can I achieve.

I wonder.

This post has been edited.

Struggling through the Season

After losing 100 lbs, you'd think that I was on cruise mode. You’d think that I was locked in and safe.

Honestly…no.

Yes, I have eaten “clean” (not off my diet) for 232 consecutive days. That’s right – 232 days. Only twice have I gone over my calories. Once on my son’s graduation, and once on my birthday. Even then, I still ate the foods that work for my eating lifestyle, just in a little larger proportions.

People who have talked to me about my weight loss tell me that they couldn’t do it, and how proud they are of me for being so strong.

Truth is, I thought by now it would be a little easier. But it’s not...

Making changes in your life is never easy. It affects those around you in ways that is easy to overlook. My wife, who loves to cook, has had to endure 232 days of not cooking the kinds of foods that she loves. I think she feels like she is being forced into a ketogenic diet by default, and I know she is struggling with that, even though she tries not to show it.

And the holidays don’t make it any easier. Thanksgiving was especially tough. Being surrounded by family who were eating foods I love, while I ate turkey, ham and stir fried broccoli, was hard.

Now, moving into the Christmas season, I’m faced with even more temptation and pressures.

How do my choices affect those around me…should I have one meal that is not the best for my weight loss…what do we do with all the food that kind people invariably bring as gifts?

One meal would not change anything. Realistically, I could fast the whole day and eat one meal of anything and it wouldn’t significantly change my life.

But I must confess that I am incredibly reluctant to do so…because I am afraid. I am afraid that if I break one time, it will be easier for the next time. And the next, and the next and the next.

I think I’m getting some kind of an idea of how an alcoholic feels. One coke would be too many, and two would never be enough.

I’m trying right now to get to 230 lbs by new years day. That would be 100 lbs lost in 8 months, and 110 lbs overall.

It still feel weird to think of how much I have lost. How much I have changed physically.

And how much I am trying to change mentally.

Truth is, I’m still that 340 lb guy, desperately trying to lose weight, afraid that one wrong move will screw it all up. I’m still ashamed of how I look. I get that it’s better than it was, but it’s still not good enough, and I tremble to think that it may never be.

I have so many goals left to reach – so much of a life to change. Losing weight is only a step on the journey. An important step, a critical step, but it’s not the destination, it’s just a toll booth on the highway.

So I struggle…every day.

I struggle to fight against the negative self talk and the fears that drove me to use food as my drug.

I struggle against the angry teenager who still haunts my soul with his feelings of never being good enough, never fitting in, never feeling whole.

I struggle with the burdens I place on those around me as I try to become the person I feel I owe them.

Mostly, I just fight, because it’s all I can do right now.

I fight for my self esteem, for my hopes for the future and for my dream that I can feel like a “whole, complete and accepted person”. I fight to achieve the life I owe my family. I fight to find a pathway into the future that is better than the past.

But honestly, I think I fight most of all for peace. Peace in my soul, for I have known so little of it lately.

Tony Robbins once said that fat people were just people who were wearing their pain on the outside.

What I’ve found is that as the weight comes off, you have to deal with the pain and struggles that you were suppressing.

And that’s not easy.

But I struggle, and I fight and for today, that has to be enough, because it's honestly all I have.

To those of you who have supported me on this journey, I thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.

While I have to fight this myself, it’s easier with good people in my corner.